What gaslighting looks like (And what managers can do about it)

I was gaslit at a former job. And I’ll be honest; it took me a while to recognize it for what it was. I just knew something didn’t feel right. Anxiety crept in, and there were days I found myself questioning my own judgment..Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that causes someone to doubt their own understanding or perception of reality. It can chip away at a person’s confidence, credibility and ability to lead effectively, especially in collaborative environments.When I first met Chuck (not his real name), I genuinely liked him. He had a great sense of humor, was self-deprecating, and seemed like someone who didn’t take himself too seriously. Based on our roles, we worked closely on major projects and relied on each other’s teams to deliver. I tend to lead with trust, and I extended that to him without hesitation.But over time, things started to feel off. I typically have a decent memory for discussions and decisions, especially in project work. In one-on-one conversations, Chuck and I aligned on goals, next steps and timelines. Yet when we met with the larger leadership team, he would contradict those conversations — saying we never discussed certain items or hadn’t agreed to specific timelines. At first, I second-guessed myself. Had I misunderstood? Was I assuming agreement that wasn’t there?Eventually, I started documenting everything, saving emails, taking detailed notes, doing anything to make sure I had a record. The shift was subtle but steady. I went from feeling confident in my role to questioning myself daily. I sensed Chuck was planting seeds of doubt about my competence behind the scenes. I wondered: Was I the one falling short?Chuck was eventually asked to leave after a clear incident where he was caught in a lie, an attempt to discredit another coworker. I did feel a sense of relief, but I didn’t bounce back right away. I was mentally and emotionally worn out. I had tried flagging issues earlier, his missed deadlines, shifting stories and lack of collaboration. By the time I spoke up, my confidence was already frayed. I’m sure my message lacked clarity because I no longer trusted my voice.In hindsight, I recognize the role I played. I could have set stronger boundaries, documented earlier, or asked for a neutral third-party perspective. But I also believe my leadership team missed some crucial signs.If you're a leader or manager, it’s important to know that gaslighting doesn’t always show up in obvious ways. Here are some signs that a team member may be experiencing it:A team member who used to be steady and self-assured suddenly seems uncertain or withdrawn;Someone who was engaged and collaborative becomes more cautious or avoids group conversations;An overreliance on written documentation or CYA behaviors, more than what’s typical for their role; and A noticeable shift in tone or confidence without an obvious performance issue.What can managers do?Pay attention to behavioral shifts, not just in the person who may be affected, but in how others interact with them.Believe patterns over isolated incidents. Gaslighting often shows up as a slow erosion, not a single red flag.Act early. Don’t dismiss concerns as interpersonal drama.Foster an environment where feedback, especially about dynamics or culture, is welcomed and acted on without fear of retaliation.Psychological safety isn’t a “nice to have.” It’s the foundation of every high-performing team. And leaders play a critical role in protecting it for everyone.Christy Baker, a former COO of an Iowa-based community banking group, is a facilitator and executive coach.